How did I get here? I'm not who I once was. (part 1)

To start, the subject is a few lines from a song that has really spoken to me over the past month or so since I have moved to ATL. It's called "You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North. "You are more than the sum of your past mistakes." That has been a hard concept for me to accept, especially because of some of the mistakes I made in my past. But I'm writing this post to tell you how I got to where I am now. Emotionally, spiritually, heck, even why I moved to Atlanta.

So, how did I get here? Where is "here" exactly? Well, I suppose I need to take you back about two years, when all of this sort of began.

In March 2009 my mom had a stroke. It was hard on all the whole family. My boyfriend at the time was very supportive and caring-he was everything I could have hoped for. It was this even that really turned my world upside down and I started praying-really praying-for my mom's health. I had never seen my dad the way he was while we were visiting my mom in the ICU, and it scared me. Seeing my mom in the ICU was terrifying. But I felt like someone was out there, and so I knew everything would be okay. I knew she had awesome doctors and all I could do was pray that she would get better. So when I asked him if I could go to church with him, he agreed. We went to several different churches around Purdue, all Lutheran, since I didn't grow up in a religious household, and he did. I remember after one particular service-I have no idea what the message was-but the couple sitting in front of us introduced themselves. They noticed we were new and invited us to various events if we were interested (the guys played basketball one evening a week and the ladies met for-I'm not joking-sewing circles). We thanked them for the invitations but we were trying to find a church that suited both of us, and we were still undecided.

After we got in the car he asked me, "So what did you think?" I had no idea how to respond to him. So I said the default answer, "It was good." I didn't know what it was, but there was something about that service that just didn't click with me. We went to a few more services at different churches after that, but I never felt like I belonged there. Not just because we went to different churches, but because I felt like people could see this neon sign above me that announced I had no idea what I was doing and that I was new at this whole church-going thing. Eventually we stopped going. I think it was a combination of the fact I felt awkward at them and school got busy and, yea. I made excuses not to go. And then the school year ended, and I moved back to Wisconsin for my 2nd internship with the company my dad works for. I didn't think twice about going back to church once I moved back home.

I took a class over the summer and moved into my first apartment. Yea, I took a few weeks off during my internship to take this class. They were okay with it when I told them when they offered me an internship, and I needed the class. School started up again in August and everything was well. Mom was getting better and my boyfriend and I were happy. The fall semester came and went, and soon I was going home again for winter break. I took a train to Chicago for New Year's Eve to meet up with my boyfriend and a couple friends and he surprised me at the train station. It was freezing cold, but we had a good time. I went back home and then drove back to school for the spring semester. Spring semester started off pretty good, and then February happened. Right before Superbowl weekend he messaged me on facebook and said, "Can I come over? I need to talk to you." I said yes without hesitation and he showed up soon after and I hugged him, and knew immediately that something was wrong. He then told me it was over. He couldn't give me a reason why, but he was kind enough to stay for about 2 hours while I tried to comprehend what had just happened. He left about midnight and I immediately called my best friend and couldn't really formulate any sentences, but she showed up and sat with me for another hour. She went home and I eventually passed out because I was so exhausted.

I thought that maybe I could convince him to come back to me. I also thought that if I prayed, he would realize his mistake and come back. So I started praying. I couldn't accept that he had dumped me. Two weeks passed, and I was still extremely upset. My best friend told me that I needed to "get over it", and after that we basically stopped talking. I sunk down to a place that I hadn't been in years, and I still don't really know how my grades survived that semester. I got a B in a class that I should have easily gotten an A in because I flat out forgot to do an assignment. He told me he valued my friendship, so I continued to talk to him. I admit now that, at the time, that wasn't the best idea for my emotional well being. When I got the call before spring break for an internship offer in ATL, I immediately accepted. I hoped that maybe leaving Indiana behind would help me heal.

So the semester ended. I was completely broken, and didn't know how to fix myself. On the outside, I seemed okay. I had no choice. I was moving in with two other girls who had boyfriends and were happy. How could I live with them all summer if I let my emotions get the better of me? In June I saw on facebook that he was in a relationship with someone else. I completely broke down-but again, kept it to myself. I went out with my roommates, hoping it would help. (They had no idea.) It didn't. When I got back I deactivated my facebook account for the summer. I got a library card for the summer, and during my first visit the librarian asked me, "Are you Lutheran?" (I mentioned I was new to the area, and I guess because of my complexion she thought I might be. Still don't really understand that one...) She invited me to her church and gave me directions. She was very nice. I seriously considered about going, but I chickened out. I still wasn't sure where I sat with my faith, or with what I believed.

I'll end this post here, and keep your eyes open for another part. I'm not sure how many parts this will take, so bear with me dear readers. Also, if you're a praying sort of person, please pray for my second family. I won't go into details as they're not mine to share. If you're not a praying person, please keep them in your thoughts.

Until next time, dear readers. And thanks for reading, you truly inspire me to keep writing.

There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning.

8:51am: I realized something last night/this morning. Yes, I want to be engaged. Yes, I want to marry the man in my life. But you know what? I'm not in a hurry to do so. I love him, and I know that if/when the time is right for us, it will happen. I felt this unspoken pressure from myself, and from my friends, that I needed to be engaged. But I don't. I am happy with where I am in life right now. I do not need to be engaged to be happy. I would, however, really like it if my man could find a job and get his butt moved here so I could give him a big hug. I have also realized a couple things while reading Eat, Pray, Love. I haven't decided if I'm going to blog about them. I think before I do I need to have a talk with my man. (I know I wouldn't appreciate it if I found out something kind of major via the interweb rather than directly from him.) So, no promises dear readers.

7:03pm: Sorry I haven't updated yet today-I have been busy. Went to IKEA after church to pick up the parts to put together my couch... anyway. I got everything and now I'm updating from my new couch! I love it. Enough about this nonsense, onto why you are here.

Today was a celebration-we were able to witness two people get baptized this morning. As I listened to their stories about how they came to accept Jesus Christ as their savior, I thought about my own story. In time-I will share it with you but today is not the day. Anyway, I pray that I will always feel I did this morning when I am able to witness another get baptized. In any case, today we talked about Matthew 5:43-48. This morning, Rodney, the singles director from Buckhead Church, joined us for today's message: "Love your enemies." I immediately thought of the predicament I was in last night/this morning: the fact that IKEA didn't include the necessary hardware to assemble my couch. I was mad at them. So, I suppose this morning: they were my enemies. All right, I'm listening, God. What is it you want me to hear this morning?

What do you pray about? That seems like a silly question, don't you think? Listen to me, don't you pray for the things you want? Yea, okay. That's true. We pray for things our hearts are wrapped up in. Imagine what could happen to our hearts if we begin to pray for our enemies. Our enemies might be government officials, the woman in front of you in the grocery store who has seen one too many episodes of "Extreme Couponing" or that guy in the office, the one-upper, or even someone closer to you, someone that has hurt you. But if praying about something YOU want opens your heart, what will happen if you begin to pray for those who persecute you? Will it continue to open your heart to God?

So if Jesus said, "Love your enemies," who are our neighbors? Who are our enemies? We divide people up into groups. We don't do it consciously, or at least, I don't. I know I put people into groups, whether or not I will talk to them today, or if I want to shut this person out of my life forever.  You know you've made God into your image when He conveniently hates the same people you do. (Rodney said that. It got a lot of laughs-and he said, "You laugh because you know it's true." Yep.) Our enemies are those who you don't want to say hi to, those who you will avoid if they walk down the street towards you. When Rodney was saying those words, my thoughts immediately moved to someone who broke my heart. I haven't spoken to him since May 2010, where we got into a fight. He told me that it would have never worked. I realize now that he's right. If he believed it wouldn't work, it wouldn't have.

Rodney suggested that we pray out loud for our enemies, whether it be the next time you think of them or the next time you see them. "Dear God, please bless this woman..." (Personally, if I were the person someone was praying for, I would be a little weirded out. Mostly because it's not something that you see in a normal day.) So, on my way home from IKEA, I began to pray for him-my enemy, the boy who I thought was "the one". I prayed for his happiness. I prayed for the grace I will need when I see him again, because I'm confident that he will be at alumni band this year, to talk to him. To apologize, and then to thank him. I think he was the one who ignited something in my heart that got me thinking about my faith. He and I went to church together a few times, and after each service he would always ask, "What did you think?" I never had a really good answer for him because I didn't have a relationship with God. I also don't think that the churches we were going to were a good fit for me. I always felt out of place there, that others were looking at me and thinking, "She's new. She doesn't really belong here." At Campus House, Connection Pointe, and now at North Point, I have always belonged. I almost feel like they were there, waiting for me to find them.

So I pray that he is genuinely happy. I pray that he is able to find what he is looking for in his life. Thank you, God, for bringing him into my life when I needed him. And thank you for blessing me with this man who makes me happy beyond all reason. Even as I sit here on my new couch (that he helped me pick out!) and think about him, I can't help but smile. I finally printed out a picture of us for my desk and as I sit here and look at it, I'm getting all teary. I miss him-it's been over a month since I have seen his face and it will be another month until I get to see him again. But, I can begin a countdown of sorts I guess. Only 4 more Sundays until he's planning on being here and then he can come to North Point with me, thank goodness. I love him and can't wait to share this with him.

Until next time, dear readers.

May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you. Psalm 33:22

Are you seeing that person?

That person who is there right in front of you that you are missing because you are too important? I know I am guilty of doing this: "Hey, how are you?" And then shortly after saying I had something else to do that was "more important" than talking to that person. What are you missing because you are "too busy" for them? We are constantly trying to prove ourselves-in life, work, relationships, etc. I am quickly approaching my 5 year high school reunion, and if I go, what will I have to show for my life? Several of my friends from high school are married and have families already, others have traveled to different countries to study, live, and/or work. What have I done? Would I impress my friends from high school with my life right now? What can I do to become more important? What must I do to be great?

Wait a minute. I am important. I already am great. This morning one of the younger pastors at NP gave today's sermon (I'm not sure of his name, once I find out I'll post it in here to give him the credit he deserves), the second in the series Shocking Statements of Jesus. Today we looked at Mark 9:35-37. Mark 9:35 reads:

Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, "If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all."

Well, you know whatever Jesus is about to say is important, because he sits. In movies, or in some cases, real life, when some one needs to say something that's serious, important, or something that you really need to hear, they always sit and usually invite you to sit too. I think Jesus sat before saying that for that reason: it's something the disciples really needed to hear. Conversations require time AND attention. To make someone feel important, you must give them both. We are all seeking importance in life-so the least we can do is make one another feel important, right? So then why is it so hard for some of us to do this?

There is nothing more devaluing than having a conversation with someone and they keep checking their cell phone. I have experienced this a number of times-and I know I am guilty of it as well. I have made the promise to myself that when I talk to people, I will put the phone away. I won't even simply turn it over on the table, I will put it in my pocket or in my purse and ignore any messages or phone calls I might receive. I ask you, my readers, my friends, to do the same. It doesn't even have to be a conversation you think is "critical" or "important". It could be a lunch date with a friend. They probably won't say anything, in fact, I can probably guarantee they wouldn't, but they'll notice. And if you notice that others are doing it-to you, or to your friends, I can only hope that they will realize what they are doing to the people who they are with.

So ask yourselves this: Am I seeking what is really important? What is most important in my life right now? To me, right now, the most important things in my life are seeking acceptance at work and doing well at my new job. I am also trying to decorate my apartment with this new found freedom that is being a young adult. But is that really important? Yes, my job is important. Being successful in my career is important-we are hard wired to work, to achieve. I feel guilty for having a job when the boy does not. I feel guilty when I complain to him about how I wish I had friends. I am happy with where I am with my life right now-but I know I could be better. So, am I seeking what is truly important in life? What is truly important in life?

Truth is: it changes. We are continually seeking significance and importance in our lives, but it is constantly changing and the "ranking" we are looking for sometimes disappears. We seek higher positions in our careers, more expensive cars, bigger bank accounts, bigger houses-our society seems to be under the impression that "bigger is better". But what about what you already have? Take a look around you. You have a family that loves you, and in most cases, friends who are like family who love you. Those people are important. So, to answer my own question: what is truly important in life? I think for that, we have to ask God. I seek a relationship with Him because of the great things He has given me-a family who loves me, friends who I treat like family, and opportunities to grow-as a Christian, as a woman, and as a young adult.

Back to the passage that we talked about this morning. The ironic part of this passage is that what we are looking for, we already have.

Jesus died on the cross for us because we are worth dying for. We are all significant, no matter where you put yourself in life, work, etc. There is a God in Heaven who gave His life for you. And because of it, you are important. My... honestly, I don't really know what to call him. He has helped guide me in my journey towards Christ, purchased my first Bible for me (that is a fun story that I will have to share with you, in time), became a good friend and, essentially, a second father to me. I am so blessed to have him and his wife (who has also become like a second parent, spiritual mentor, and good friend) in my life. I do not think I would have made the decision to become baptized without their guidance. I had thought about it, but never had the support system to find my relationship with Christ and move towards Him.

In any case, he helped me through some rough times in October/November 2010, and he gave me a book to read entitled "Sex God". In chapter 6, entitled, "Worth Dying For", Rob Bell writes, "You don't need a man by your side to validate you as a woman. You already are loved an valued. You're good enough exactly as you are. Do you believe this? Because it's true. You have limitless worth and value. If you embrace this truth, it will affect every area of life, especially your relationship with men.

You are worth dying for." (pg 123-124) When I first read this chapter, I cried. I have struggled with this since I started dating-and to be honest, I don't think I have been without a boy in my life since then (or if I have I don't remember it). I was seeking what was important: finding a boyfriend and being loved by him. Doing whatever that meant to get him to love me. That led to some stupid mistakes on my part, but since then I have grown immensely as a person, and as a woman. This book helped a lot with that. Knowing that God loves me-that helped a lot too.

God loves you too. Whether or not you are a Christian, God wants to have a relationship with you. He is seeking your love-but you have to seek Him too. But for me, knowing that He loves me is enough. So, you don't have to seek the highest position in your company or a relationship you aren't ready for to be important. You are already important. Jesus died for you because he loves you-no matter what your flaws are.

Until next time,  dear readers.

To say "yes" to something is to say "no" to another.

Today was my second time at NP and it was still intimidating. Both times I have gone I can't help but wish that the boy was there next to me. Sometimes it's hard, but I know soon enough he will be here with me and I won't be forced to struggle with this long distance thing. This may seem unrelated to you, but I stopped believing in coincidences around April/May. Today Andy started a new series, Shocking Statements of Jesus. He talked about how Jesus said things that made everyone uncomfortable, like "Love your enemies, pray for your enemies."

The passage he looked at today was John 6:54-68. A brief introduction: Jesus had just fed thousands of people, a feat that was nearly impossible at that time. He had a crowd of people following him, because hey, he had food. Who ever thought of the idea of giving out free food at call-outs for groups/clubs at college must have been a Christian and read this. I mean, if you want people to follow you, feed them. If you keep feeding them, they'll keep following you. But then you say something like "love your enemies" and people will start to think, "Woah. Wait a minute-what's this guy talking about?" and then they start to question if it's beneficial for them to keep following you around and believing what you say. This is what happened to to Jesus right about then. Following him was about to get complicated for the crowd.

Right about when the crowd was deserting Jesus, his 12 disciples started questioning as well. He knew what was on their hearts and so he asked, "You do not want to leave too, do you?" (John 6:67) Peter was the only to respond in verse 68: "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life."

If you are a follower of Jesus Christ, and you are struggling with transition, trial, or temptation, you might want to think if you just stop believing, it will be easier. But if you say no to Jesus, who are you saying yes to? You can't say no without saying yes to something else and the reverse is also true. If you say yes to one thing, you will be saying no to another.

This is where the "coincidences don't exist" idea plays a part for me. I am going through a transition right now: I have just moved to Atlanta, I have a career and my boyfriend is still living in Indiana. I am no longer a college student. I have been struggling with being new in the area and not really knowing anyone. At first I started to turn away from Him, because it was hard. It was hard to accept this change and I was unsure if it was the right choice for me. I could have gone to Jacksonville, FL or Houston, TX. What if those had been better choices? What if I should have gone there instead? What if, what if, what if. Only God knows that answer. Andy left us with this to think about, "Don't focus exclusively on your questions. Consider the options."

So I can't help but rethink my decision to be here in Atlanta, and I have come to this conclusion: I need to be here. I am supposed to be here. If I wasn't supposed to be here, I wouldn't be. I trust God to guide me to where He wants me to be and know that He only gives good gifts. I cannot live my life wondering "what could have been" otherwise I will not be able to move forward with my life and if that means I have to put my trust in God-well. That's not exactly a problem. The same goes for my relationship with the boy. I trust that God has a plan for the two of us and I pray that He will remain in the center of our relationship. The boy is truly amazing, and I see Christ in him. I thank God every day for bringing him into my life and I know that if we had met three years ago, I don't think I would have given him a second thought.

On a completely different note, I have bookshelves from IKEA! I set them up yesterday and I am starting to fill them with books and things. Unfortunately I am going to have to go back tomorrow or Tuesday if I want to buy the couch I have found that I really like... So, I guess I'm going back, haha. And then maybe I'll actually be "living" in my apartment finally. Well, I feel like I live here but it's a little challenging when I have to sit on the floor in my living room because the cats have taken over the two chairs that are in my living room (my teal butterfly chair and a camping chair). I think I'll end up putting the butterfly chair in the 2nd bedroom with my bookshelves and create kind of a reading nook. And maybe I'll start decorating my bedroom as well... There is nothing on the walls right now. Now I just need to figure out what I want on the walls. Any suggestions?

Until next time, dear readers.

As mentioned previously & then some.

I said in my last update that I feel like an outcast at work. And for the first week + a few days, that was true. No, no one really wants to hang out with me after work, but I have come to accept it (for now) and I'm okay with it. I realized that part of this is due to the fact that I am not sitting in my department-there isn't  an empty desk for me at the moment. Which, to be fair, is a good problem to have. So I'm not complaining, especially now that I am being given more responsibility every day at work. On Friday one of my co-workers asked for my help on a project that will be a long-term effort. And one of the interns has started asking me questions! So, work was hard the first week, but look back on it-and from talking to some people who have been in the work place for at least 6 months-every one's first week is a little challenging.

Last week I made the promise to myself, you, and God, that I would go to North Point today. I went. I need to get there about 10:45 though if I'm going to sit closer to the front. I have most definitely found a MEGA-church. But I absolutely loved it. I can't tell you why, because I can't put into words how being surrounded by so many people who have come together to worship makes me feel. I guess I can compare it to the way a really good piece of music gives me goosebumps. For example, whenever I listen to Jupiter (granted, I am biased since I play French horn) or, even a couple times during some Glee Club performances this past semester. When those guys sing... shivers. Anyway. I was a little disappointed they didn't have a NEXT class today, but they will next week and I have every intention of going. (The NEXT class is for people who are new to NP and want to get involved or learn more about NP)

On a completely different note, I started making myself a bag to take my lunch in to work. I like packing my lunch instead of going out every day, so I figured a bag would be a good idea. I found zebra print material at Jo-Ann's! So I'm making myself a lunch bag and it will be awesome. Don't worry, I'll post pictures of it once I am all finished.

So I'm going to go work on that and play with the cats because they won't leave me alone... Pesky cats!

Until next time, dear reader. Matthew 5:14-16.