To start, the subject is a few lines from a song that has really spoken to me over the past month or so since I have moved to ATL. It's called "You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North. "You are more than the sum of your past mistakes." That has been a hard concept for me to accept, especially because of some of the mistakes I made in my past. But I'm writing this post to tell you how I got to where I am now. Emotionally, spiritually, heck, even why I moved to Atlanta.
So, how did I get here? Where is "here" exactly? Well, I suppose I need to take you back about two years, when all of this sort of began.
In March 2009 my mom had a stroke. It was hard on all the whole family. My boyfriend at the time was very supportive and caring-he was everything I could have hoped for. It was this even that really turned my world upside down and I started praying-really praying-for my mom's health. I had never seen my dad the way he was while we were visiting my mom in the ICU, and it scared me. Seeing my mom in the ICU was terrifying. But I felt like someone was out there, and so I knew everything would be okay. I knew she had awesome doctors and all I could do was pray that she would get better. So when I asked him if I could go to church with him, he agreed. We went to several different churches around Purdue, all Lutheran, since I didn't grow up in a religious household, and he did. I remember after one particular service-I have no idea what the message was-but the couple sitting in front of us introduced themselves. They noticed we were new and invited us to various events if we were interested (the guys played basketball one evening a week and the ladies met for-I'm not joking-sewing circles). We thanked them for the invitations but we were trying to find a church that suited both of us, and we were still undecided.
After we got in the car he asked me, "So what did you think?" I had no idea how to respond to him. So I said the default answer, "It was good." I didn't know what it was, but there was something about that service that just didn't click with me. We went to a few more services at different churches after that, but I never felt like I belonged there. Not just because we went to different churches, but because I felt like people could see this neon sign above me that announced I had no idea what I was doing and that I was new at this whole church-going thing. Eventually we stopped going. I think it was a combination of the fact I felt awkward at them and school got busy and, yea. I made excuses not to go. And then the school year ended, and I moved back to Wisconsin for my 2nd internship with the company my dad works for. I didn't think twice about going back to church once I moved back home.
I took a class over the summer and moved into my first apartment. Yea, I took a few weeks off during my internship to take this class. They were okay with it when I told them when they offered me an internship, and I needed the class. School started up again in August and everything was well. Mom was getting better and my boyfriend and I were happy. The fall semester came and went, and soon I was going home again for winter break. I took a train to Chicago for New Year's Eve to meet up with my boyfriend and a couple friends and he surprised me at the train station. It was freezing cold, but we had a good time. I went back home and then drove back to school for the spring semester. Spring semester started off pretty good, and then February happened. Right before Superbowl weekend he messaged me on facebook and said, "Can I come over? I need to talk to you." I said yes without hesitation and he showed up soon after and I hugged him, and knew immediately that something was wrong. He then told me it was over. He couldn't give me a reason why, but he was kind enough to stay for about 2 hours while I tried to comprehend what had just happened. He left about midnight and I immediately called my best friend and couldn't really formulate any sentences, but she showed up and sat with me for another hour. She went home and I eventually passed out because I was so exhausted.
I thought that maybe I could convince him to come back to me. I also thought that if I prayed, he would realize his mistake and come back. So I started praying. I couldn't accept that he had dumped me. Two weeks passed, and I was still extremely upset. My best friend told me that I needed to "get over it", and after that we basically stopped talking. I sunk down to a place that I hadn't been in years, and I still don't really know how my grades survived that semester. I got a B in a class that I should have easily gotten an A in because I flat out forgot to do an assignment. He told me he valued my friendship, so I continued to talk to him. I admit now that, at the time, that wasn't the best idea for my emotional well being. When I got the call before spring break for an internship offer in ATL, I immediately accepted. I hoped that maybe leaving Indiana behind would help me heal.
So the semester ended. I was completely broken, and didn't know how to fix myself. On the outside, I seemed okay. I had no choice. I was moving in with two other girls who had boyfriends and were happy. How could I live with them all summer if I let my emotions get the better of me? In June I saw on facebook that he was in a relationship with someone else. I completely broke down-but again, kept it to myself. I went out with my roommates, hoping it would help. (They had no idea.) It didn't. When I got back I deactivated my facebook account for the summer. I got a library card for the summer, and during my first visit the librarian asked me, "Are you Lutheran?" (I mentioned I was new to the area, and I guess because of my complexion she thought I might be. Still don't really understand that one...) She invited me to her church and gave me directions. She was very nice. I seriously considered about going, but I chickened out. I still wasn't sure where I sat with my faith, or with what I believed.
I'll end this post here, and keep your eyes open for another part. I'm not sure how many parts this will take, so bear with me dear readers. Also, if you're a praying sort of person, please pray for my second family. I won't go into details as they're not mine to share. If you're not a praying person, please keep them in your thoughts.
Until next time, dear readers. And thanks for reading, you truly inspire me to keep writing.
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